Is what you are feeling during this pandemic we as a world are experienging actually grief?  The question was brought up recently in a conversation I was having with a client.  My client mentioned they were feeling like they did when they lost their parent a few years ago.  

Her statement got me thinking.......  

I double checked on the stages of grief (had not had to access that info in a while)and the number of stages differs) which stated the stages are Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance Yep! it pretty much covers the emotional rollercoaster we have all been riding.  I mean really if you think about it loss is loss and while I think for many we reserve grief for death of a loved one, experiencing death of a job, a way of life and the normalcy you once had is still a loss and still a "death" if you think about it. So why not call what we are going through grief, and work through the emotions the same way we wouldas if we were grieving the loss of a loved one. I mean in Psyc land we are told if we name something its easier to treat it, we at least have a starting point.  So I think depending on what you are going through, the notion of grief might be a good start.

I think right now everyone is feeling a lot of emotional things and individuals are feeling lost in unrecognizable lives. The world that we once knew and how we lived our daily lives in it has changed. Deep down I think we know this is temporary, but I will agree with most that it doesn’t feel that way.  And I would take it one step further to say that eventually when we come back to “normal”, I still think things will be a bit different, just as our daily lives (especially travel) changed after the 9/11 tragedy.  As someone who works with the field of mental health and especially trauma.  I am also concerned about the mental health state of a lot of individuals as "normal" returns.  Trauma can last in the body an increadible amount of time and the longer individuals go through this unsettled worried state, there can be lasting effects that may alter individuals and families future "normal".  

Our loss of what was normal, job cuts or loss, economic uncertainty and the loss of personal connection is hitting many, and the hole we feel we are in seems to become deeper with each passing day. This deep bottomless hole causes the feeling like we are never going to get out of this. It strengthins the feelings of uncertainty and again with each passing day that hope that tomorrow will bring better news and a possibly end date, gets pushed farther away to the point that many start losing hope, and my fear is that many will give up.   

While I was looking over the stages of grief I remembered there is such a thing as Anticipatory Grief.  This is usually associated with individuals who have someone close to them in the process of dying. It is that feeling of uncertainty they are experiencing knowing a terminal diagnosis is present, but no one knows when the awful dreadful day we lose them will occur. Becuase of this your daily life turns into a waiting game of uncertainty and in some cases people place their normal daily activities on hold because they can't focus on other things, just the impending loss.  

In the case with this pandemic we are all experiencing Anticipatory Grief can be looked at as a storm coming. We know there is something bad out there that we can’t see. We have been told what could happen if we “catch the virus”, so we sit in wait with uncertainty and put our normal lives on hold while we wait and worry for impending bad outcomes. 

What can individuals do to manage all this grief?

Understand the stages of grief, learn what these emotions are and how they present in your body or behavior. Identify and work through them.

 Know that they dont necesarily have a specific order to follow, and I know for my own self I will flop back and forth between a couple stages befor hitting a new one.  Everyone processes differently at different rates.

Here is a closer look at those grief stages, some understanding, and some tools to try out:

Shock - It was that first learning moment about the virus, the initial being told just how bad things were and what type of danger was lurking in our world.
Denial - we try to avoid or expalin away. “Its not going to happen”, “they wont do that” , “This virus won’t/cant affect me/ us”. 
Anger - frustration builds and boils up. :You’re making me stay home”, “You wont allow me to do my normal activities”, add in job loss that was not your fault and mounting bills with unsympathetic debt collectors and a boiling point is reached.
Bargaining - we are looking for the way out.  Its the “if I stay locked up for several days everything will be better”.  I know I have heard many say “people just stay inside, the longer you dont comply with the rules of staying inside the longer we will have to be in isolation”.  
Depression - the “I don’t know when this will end” feeling. 
Acceptance - how do learn to move forward.  While acceptance can be looked at as “giving up” from some, it really is where we take control. We can only change or have control over what we do have control over. We have no control over the deadline of this virus and no control over the rules handed down by our country, state, city.  But we have control over how we take care of ourselves during this time.  Proper care for our physical and mental health.  Practicing handwashing and surface clearning procedures. How we perform job duties and how we take care of our families. 

If we allow grief to persist it can lead to anxiety and chronic stress which over time if left unchecked or allowed to build further can lead to a lower immune system, depression and other health concerns.  Know that you dont have to push these feelings of grief away and pretend they do not exist. The goal is to acknowledge 
them but dont allow them to consume your life. Realize this is what you are feeling, then look for ways to move on past them.  Dwelling on things you can not change, will only keep you in or put you in deeper to the emotion(s) you are experiencing which can lead to nervous system shut down.  Dont allow
your mind to hyjack you, its going to imagin the worst, it’s what it does in case of uncertainty.  Our brains need to make a connection and if there is an open end, like an uncertain future, it will fill in the blanks for you. 

Try it Out!

• Breathing, meditation, mindfulness and grounding are good things to try, if you dont already practice, as there are a variety of ways to help break your mind from fixating on doom and gloom and helping you feel well enough to formulate a plan to move forward until things start to change back to what we will call a somewhat normal.  You can find many resources online with these techniques along with some past blog posts of ours.
• Try what I call the “adult version of i-spy”, its also called 5-4-3-2-1.  If your are in a room try looking around and name 5 things in the room you see (can be items, specific colors, catagies etc). Name 4 things you hear, 3 things you feel (different or same textures)  Name 2 things you can smell and then think of 1 kind thing you can say about yourself. Use your senses and dont just name things, actually look, touch or hear them. Understand the shapes or what is making that sound. 

Remember, everyone will have different level of fear  and process through this time differently. Be kind to  yourself and also recognize that others are going  through their own battles and try not to take what  might be an outburts of fear to heart fear, be patient.  While this is a scary time for most with the uncertainty  and open end date to these isolations and changed daily activities, know this is a temporary state, even if it doesn’t feel like it.  We will survive. If you are finding it hard to find a light in your day, Keep trying. Emotions need motion. It’s important we acknowledge what you are feeling and allow it to pass through, cry if you want to cry,get angry if you need to get angry. Give a good cry or scream and then pick yourself up and look for a new way forward.